Crossed over the line to CRAZY

This week has been one of the WORST weeks yet, at least emotionally. Why? I couldn't really explain it. Besides the feeding problems of late Eliza's doing pretty damn well-thank-you-very-much! What does suck? Tomorrow we wave bye to yet another day that we were supposed to be leaving with baby in arms. Right now there are no new going home dates being planned -  no more arbitrary dates that only break our hearts when they fall through. We will know she is going home when we put her in her carseat and walk out the door. This is what we had previously expected based on other NICU families that we've watched, but for some reason there kept being a planned date for Eliza that was "the day," even if we were careening towards it not sure if everything was quite right. None-the-less I'm done with that nonsense now. I'll believe it when I see it.

It's been many days of stressing and trying to interpret what is happening with Eliza. I have felt all sorts of pressure to try to determine if she was "good enough" to come home or just not quite there yet. Thankfully everyone finally got on the same page today, and although the answer we came up with is "not quite yet", with the collaborative help of the experts we have a plan to help Eliza get to the point she needs to be at. She is back on an NG tube (a tube that goes down her nose to her stomach). Any food she gets too tired or frustrated to eat by bottle will go through the NG tube. Hopefully this will "build a bridge" to get her to the side of being a stronger, less frustrated, more successful baby. This means more time in the hospital for now, but by doing so we are hoping that once she gets out of the hospital she can stay out!

My take home skill from the last several days? Learning how to talk THROUGH the tears. Thats right, I've always had problems with actually being able to say anything comprehensible while crying. I think I've worked right through that and embraced the shakiness. Add that to the list of new mama skills. The CRAZY Cryer-talker! Hooray!